Last spring, back when I was still trying to sort out whatever feelings I had left for Dan, I was doing all of this on my old Blog. Now, I guess I had given him a link to my silly work-in-progress Blogger.com account called "The Guide To Being Me." (This has since been deleted.) And I guess it was linked to my original Blog. The thing is, I had given Dan this link before since he had started up a Blog of his own and had given me his link. (Not like he ever posted on it.) After a week, I told him to just delete that link because I was having problems with Blogger back then. But I solved those problems myself, and was back on the blogging circuit with no problems. But...the little asshole never deleted the link, like I told him to. First of all, he was being nosy. Second of all, he didn't listen. It's like he didn't delete it because he wanted to know the dirt I was confessing that I wasn't telling him. (Why would I tell him anyway? He and I broke up--it's not like we're still such close friends.) And he gets all pissy about the stuff I was saying--that he was giving me the line "I still love you, no matter what" and then just throwing himself back into the dating pool like it was no big deal to him, even though he acted like it was a big deal. (Basically, Dan was fucking with my head. He still is, actually.) And I ranted about this shit, calling him an asshole who never really loved me. If he was so head-over-heels in love with me, it sure didn't take him much time after the year-long courtship to get back into the dating scene. So he got all pissy with me, sent me a dirty e-mail about how he couldn't trust me and to stop saying shit about him behind his back. Well, I apologized for that part, but I really went and reamed him a new asshole for peeping onto my Blog when I told him ages ago to delete that link. And I went and called him nosy and "you can't trust me? What kind of a friend is nosy enough to read another person's journal and invade their privacy, even when I told you not to read it? Seems like you're the one who can't be trusted." I even went on a major tirade that just because I have a Blog doesn't mean I'm going to censor what's on it, and he couldn't control what I wrote. Hence, the name of this Blog: I'm A Writer. I Write. Deal With It. That is where I realize he and I are just two completely different people. He is conservative and a shrinking violet and would rather just live in denial and not know the truth. I am liberal minded, I am blunt and opinionated, I have a way with words, and I have to be able to express myself. He and I would not have worked out, and that is pretty much when I got over Dan the Loser.
And that is where we should have just ended it. Right then and there. But noooooooo. I made him feel bad. (Damn right, the fucker.) He begged my forgiveness, saying that yes, he was indeed the one at fault for even reading it in the first place. And he wanted to be able to see my point of view, and he didn't know what he was doing that was so wrong. Well, for starters, I was taking the breakup harder that I thought I would (by this point, I was just so over him--why get all hung up over such a nosy jerk? What would things have been like if we had stayed together?) And for the line of crap he had given me, jerking me around like that, wanting to get together and hang out like we had done before, all of the kissy-huggy affection, have me over to have dinner with his parents and grandparents, but turn around and do all of the same stuff with someone he was intent on having sex with eventually (oh, get this--he wanted to do the "friends with benefits" thing with me until he got a steady girlfriend. THIS is why I don't do the "friends with benefits" thing anymore. Dan hurt me really badly with that.)...nah, I felt like I was...well, being jerked around. Did he think I was going to idly sit by and have no thoughts about it? Hell no. I'm not a meek person. I have feelings and thoughts. I'm a human being, dammit.
So, I guess I go to Rocky Horror every weekend as a sort of sort of cement that fact in This was around when I really started attending more frequently. I knew I at least had one friend up there by that point (Zero) that wouldn't jerk me around, and I wanted to be able to make some new friends. And I have, and I'm grateful for that.
I deleted my old Blog just to escape that tumultuous period in my life, and to try to erase any of the memories I had with Dan that I had recorded in that Blog. He said that he felt bad that I deleted that blog, but hey...can't take that shit back now. Since then, I have worked very hard to build a major wall between the two of us. I don't want him getting closer again. I don't know if I want to let any man get that close again. Maybe I'm just scared of letting my guard down. Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. Maybe I'm not sure of what I'm looking for in a guy and I need to reassess my priorities. Maybe I just need to have a life first.
(Listen to me rattle on like this...I feel like Carrie Bradshaw.)
You're Most Like Carrie! You are a balance between
all your friends, incorporating both cynicism
and optimism into the group. You're uniqe, and
never want to betray that about yourself. You
will never stop looking for answers, but you
don't let that get in the way of living life.
You know when to reserved, and when to be
daring. Most of all, you're fun and
charasmatic!
What 'Sex and the City' Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
~~fin~~
No comments:
Post a Comment